Saturday, December 24, 2011

"All I Want For Christmas is to Dance With My Father Again"

“When it snows, you have two choices: shovel or make snow angels” - Anonymous

I think Honey and Jazzy would make Doggy Snow Angels if they had snow also.

Choices. Choices…. Choices? We all have them. The other day a good friend enlightened me with a comment, “You choose to be alone on Christmas.” Well yes, I do and I have for the last 8 years. I know it’s sad, but it’s because I don’t remember many Christmas’ before my father passed away in February 2002. To be honest I don’t remember much before my father’s passing. I try to remember his face and it is slowly fading away. But, I remember one thing. I remember the day that I last talked to my father on December 12, 2001. His last words, before I hung up the phone upset, were, “I love you.” I was upset because he and my mother wanted me to come home and celebrate Christmas with the family. And I wanted to spend it with my college girlfriend and her family. Not knowing that those words would be the words that echo through my eternity.

Before I went off to college in 1998, I don’t remember my father saying, “I love you,” to me. He was a man that sacrificed his life to show us that he loved us. I knew he always loved me and he never had to say it. He was a man of action. His voice carried a power that would tear down crack houses, but he also had a voice that embraced your heart with a smile. Most of all, I remember our conversations where our words danced around in complete happiness, gap toothed smiles shining from ear to ear.

Over the years I have allowed guilt to convince and shield away from loving people so that I never have to see another heart stop look at me and fade away. Along with memories of my father a lot of people have come and disappeared. I know that I am the one to blame. Either I, consciously or subconsciously, pushed good people away because I felt, like my father, they too would disappear soon enough. I believed that I was protecting myself from feeling the pain hearing the eerie sound of my father’s body flat line and seeing his spirit climb the stairs to heaven.
For years, I have never wanted anything, but to unwrap a ring and hear my father’s voice and tell him that I love him. But, all I can do is say it and hope he hears me. Instead all I really want for Christmas is a to spend it with the I love and want to build a family giving me the chance to be the father that my father was and more.

It has been a painful journey this holiday season. There has been many lonely nights and truth be told there were a couple tears that settled into my pillow. However, in the end, I found my smile. I found the happiness to have the courage to sit with the demons of my past that instill fear me of success. At times I wonder why my chest hurts. I now know its the demons of the past pressuring my mind to believe that I will never be the father my was. So, I have held myself down so not to feel the same rejection I have in the past. I am scared to fail. Who isn’t? I am also scared that my fathers hard work will be in vain if I don’t succeed.

“Action is greater than inaction. Perform therefore thy task in life. Even the life of the body could not be if there were no action.” - Bhagavad Gita

Somewhere along the way my self-esteem and confidence evaporated with my tears. Never have I felt as vulnerable as I have this Christmas. But, over the years I have learned that being vulnerable is loving and loving is being vulnerable and open to all the possibilities that presents themselves. I worked so hard to build a wall around my heart for so long and for the last two years I have worked twice as hard to tear down those walls so I can love those enter and exist my life. I received the best present from my father this Christmas Eve. He obviously thought that I was ready to open it. He always knew what was best for me. I opened the present and it was my happiness, love, and the man my father once saw developing.

It may be sad not to spend the Christmas holidays with my family or a loved ONE, but I know it is the best feeling to know I can be happy with myself. And in this happiness that everyone is enjoying this Christmas I am able to dance in the conversation again with my father.

“ Thank you dad for giving me the best Christmas gift you could have ever given me.”

“Man is made by his belief. As he believes, so he is.” - Bhagavad Gita

Years of love knocking
Heart cracked under pressure
Walls crumbled
More room to love

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! Be. Sure to spend time with those you love and let them know you appreciate and love them. Each moment is precious.